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What this Mother Does Not Want For Mother’s Day

I was looking through the newspaper (Yes, we get an actual newspaper on Sunday mornings. So nineties, I know) and came across a cosmetics ad, the kind they always put out this time of year. It was filled with the stuff all mothers want. Like perfume.

There were quite a few to choose from. Not only did each perfume have an actual name, it came with a helpful description. Essence of joy, for example. For a mere $54 dollars the important woman or women, in your life can experience the actual essence of joy. If your mother or wife is more the Hollywood type, might I suggest, Glamorous and Sexy. For the woman who wants to be enthralled, there is, of course, Enthralling. My personal favorite is Fresh and Carefree. It’s for the woman who wants to smell like… a feminine hygiene product? Is there any better way to tell Mom that you love her?

If perfume isn’t your mom’s thing, there’s always makeup. Like lip polish, which may or may not be the same as lipstick. This particular one is called, Buxom. Buxom is not a word I’d associate with lips, but what do I know of such things? Nothing. Obviously. I don’t even understand why a waterproof mascara would be named Too Faced. It brings to mind images of that character in Batman, you know, the guy whose face is grotesquely scarred on one side? Wouldn’t it be a more appropriate name for foundation? A really good foundation…

The advertising copy for this product is even more confusing. The claim is that Too Faced mascara is better than sex. Mascara. The goop you put on your eyelashes to make them look longer. Better than sex. Does the tube it comes in vibrate? Or does it come with a magic wand? Or am I so out of touch that I’m missing the true message? Could it be, that all a woman needs to achieve satisfaction is the right brand of cosmetic? How empowering!

As great as all that sounds, I’d be happy with a visit or a phone call for Mother’s Day. Though a box of good quality chocolate would be nice too. One can never go wrong with chocolate…

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